Evildoers beware!

Years ago there was a line of toys called Spytech. The toys, from what I understand, didn't work all that well, but the advertising did. Well, at least I thought they did because I made a phrase from the commercial a permanent part of my vocabulary. The commercials followed a simple formula:

1. Adults are naturally evil beings trying to do sneaky things
2. Kids must foil the nefarious plans of these adults
3. To do so, they must spy on these adults - using Spytech.
4. Kids find out valuable info to stop adult's plans.
5. Adults realizing their evil intentions have been thwarted lament -"They have Spytech - they know!"
6. Commercial closes with cut to Kids with cheesy grin and thumbs up.

Being the good 12 year old consumer that I was, I started saying "They have Spytech - they know!" or modifying it saying "They don't have Spytech - they don't know". Years pass and it sticks with me. If I'm saying something about someone and my wife tells me to quiet down - I remind her that they don't have Spytech. If I'm muttering under my breath about the horrible driver in the car next to me, while I have my window down, I can rest assured that they won't hear me as they lack the appropriate Spytech gear to listen in. My wife always responds, "There's no such thing as Spytech!" To which I respond, "Yes there is- they just don't have it" She rolls her eyes most of the time once my superior logic has quieted her arguing. A few months ago Kirsten and I were helping our friends Jeff & Melissa Rockwood move into their new place. We ate at Panera before we got started, and as we were sitting there one of Kirsten's former co-workers came in and sat a couple booths away from us. Kirsten started talking quietly, so that her former co-worker wouldn't be able to recognize her voice. It wasn't that Kirsten didn't like this person, it's just that at that time she didn't really want to talk. I informed her that from all appearances - her former co-worker did not have Spytech and would not hear her. Kirsten responded with her customary "Spytech doesn't exist..." stuff. I responded as I always do and Jeff asked about the "Spytech" thing. I explained to him the story I just recounted above. We left and started moving the Rockwood's belongings to their new home. Earlier this month, to thank us for helping them out with the move, the Rockwoods treated us to dinner and a special gift. Spy Gear A new version of Spytech, Spy Gear is much smaller than its early 90's counterpart. Smaller but definitely not any less conspicuous. So thanks to the Rockwoods I have Spytech! Errm, I mean, I have Spy Gear! The item on the left is the Spy Micro Listener; on the right is the Spy Voice Scrambler - perfect for making threats - as long as you can fit it to less than 5 seconds of recording time. I have here is a sample of what the Scrambler sounds like. The first is me speaking, the second is high speed and the final is low speed. I say that because you wouldn't know who was talking the last two times. In fact if you don't know what I sound like anyway you wouldn't know if it was really me the first time either. Maybe it isn't me at all! In my last post I told you about my trip to Ikea. What I didn't mention is that the first time I went I ate some of their so-called food. To put it politely, it did not agree with me and this time I was going on the offensive. I put my Spy Gear to work on my trip to Ikea - those Swedish meatballs are up to something, and I don't just mean giving people indigestion and fiery diarrhea. I attempted to find out what was going on back in the "kitchen." Unfortunately, Kirsten only wanted to shop, while I just wanted to get to the bottom (Ha!) of the meatball mystery. They might have escaped this time but, watch out Svėn & Ŏlgä - I've got Spytech, dang I mean Spy Gear! You can get your own Spy Micro Listener at Amazon - also be sure to check out my product review on it. Thanks Rockwoods! I'll be sure to use my new powers for evil not good. I mean the other way around. Or do I? Whaa Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Frööglė bėrrĭeŝ and wordless assembly instructions

Kir and I took a trip to Ikea a couple of weekends ago and got a bunch of stuff. I spent the better part of a Sunday afternoon assembling various pieces of furniture - following the assembly instructions very carefully. For those of you who don't know what Ikea is, let me give you a quick description. This place has just about anything you'd need to furnish a home/office/space station. All of the furniture is designed to ship easily, assemble with little effort or mechanical skills and look - well, look okay. I think the stuff we got looks really good, but then they have stuff like this. Notice it's named Göönk. Now I know I shouldn't make fun of weird words, especially with a company called Gitgan, but this is different. Almost everything has those goofy little accent marks in the name. (Apparently those "dot dot" marks are called umlaut's pronounced oohm-louts.) For instance - Kirsten and I bought 2 Poäng chairs and a Kaxås TV unit. That's just two items, everything has these weird foreign or goofy sounding names. My favorite though - their line of barware is called Groggy. If you've never made a purchase from Ikea that you have to assemble you haven't experienced life yet. Ikea assembly instructions prove that using words to communicate is totally overrated. For example - here is an illustration from the Kaxås assembly book. Looks fairly simple right - and you know what? It is. I put together 4 pieces of furniture in under an hour. The thing that weirds me out though is - they don't use words - but apparently the different pieces that go into assembling your furniture can think. Look at that illustration again. Those screws are thinking (apparently at 4x magnification), "Let's attach the legs of this Kaxås to the bottom of the unit." It made me wonder, what else could they be thinking. What if they had higher aspirations for their lives - like becoming surgical technicians...

... or a future in the entertainment industry.

Dream away part# 100362, and may you find contentment in serving your purpose. The other thing about Ikea that is weird is that they have a restaurant inside the store and since Ikea is based in Sweden, they sell Swedish meatballs and other foods that are much harder to pronounce. They sell Lingon Berry juice - I think it tastes great. But I always pronounced it "Lig-unn" until my wife pointed out that there is another "n" in there. So I've renamed them - I figure if they can call a table a Björkudden I can call these things Frööglė bėrrĭeŝ, the nice part about my word is that all those goofy accent marks don't mean anything.

The Results are in - I am Josh contest winners!

First off - I'd like to say a big thank you to everybody who participated in the contest and let you that you're all winners. Wait, no you're not. Everybody "winning" is a bad idea in children's sports and everything else. If everybody "wins" no one wins. Winning and losing are normal parts of life and let's face it, without losers we wouldn't have rivalries, super bowl commercials and the fierce competition that drives our economy. We also wouldn't have anyone to make fun of. But, in this contest - even though everybody can't win- everybody who participated gets a prize. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, maybe the qualities of kindness that are so abundant in my wife have somehow affected me - or maybe they had a big sale at borders, so I said "What the heck!" and got everybody prizes. Lets get the business out of the way before we review each submission. Entry #1 Comments: Overall a nice entry. The Becksforts earn points for use of Josh photo - high initial impact as I am Josh serves as the tree topper. - Bonus points for use of local flora and #2 Pencil. Total Score: 13 Glue Guns Entry #2 Comments: Patty is one of my mother's best friends and an insane recycler of anything paper, glass, plastic or aluminum. Let me say without any sarcasm - I was "sooo" impressed with this entry. Big points earned for presence. FOUR ornaments, but sadly the dying inkjet cartridges did cost some craftmanship points. However, big bonus points for having the ego to make yourself FOUR ornaments and not once gracing your tree with my lovely mug. Might have earned an extra point or two until I noticed that the ornaments were in close proximity to the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Yo Quiero better tree real estate. Total Score: 12 Glue Guns Entry #3 Comments: Jeremy and I attended high school together and his blog was an inspiration to me getting this one started. High impact scores for bright colors and size. Big "guns" for presence as well - anything that makes "Christmas balls" look small gets my attention. Bonus points for multiple use of my face and the effort that must have went into getting the food coloring out of those popsicle sticks. Total Score: 14 Glue Guns Entry #4 Comments: Kasey & Ben earn points for use of Josh in the creation of a double sided ornament. Great use of masking tape and improvisation for using a green paper clip as the ornament hanger. Plus the kid is so friggin cute. Bonus points for the funny screams and laughs and saving the spit up for my wife's clothing. Total Score: 14 Glue Guns Entry #5 Comments: Well - I don't know exactly what to say. I was a bit overwhelmed when I saw this entry. If you didn't look at the comments in the contest posting you probably missed the video that my parents put together for their entry. Check it out here. It was posted in their blog. Mom and Dad deliver this year's winner with this multimedia entry. Quite a boost to the old ego. Big points for presence - especially if it really does stay up all year round. High craftmanship points - I'm especially digging the cool hat that I'm wearing in May - for Mother's Day. Bonus points for 13 I am Josh's and using the music from Napoleon Dynamite. Still not buying that Ben isn't the "Favored Son" thing. Good luck with that one. Total Score: 16 Glue Guns So what are the prizes? To Jeff & Lee Becksfort - a Art Works Oil Pastels Interactive Art Instruction Book with 30 pages to develop your natural ability. You might be asking yourselves - "What shall I pastel?" You'll be able to take your pick. Art Works offers everything from giant reptiles to supersonic airplanes! - Thanks for playing guys! To Patty Moledor - a Craft Works Papercraft Interactive Craft Instruction Book with all you'll need for more than 25 fun papercraft projects. Includes scissors, tissue paper, glue, fabric paint and much more! To Jeremy Bear - a brand new Blank Sketch Book. Jeremy you're incredible artist and illustrator, hope you fill this one with all kinds of cool stuff. Even if you don't draw in it right away, it's heavy enough to use as a weapon against any band of 9-year-old gypsy thieves that might cross your path. To Kasey & Ben Firestine - a copy of one of my favorite books from my childhood. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak. Kasey - I hope you'll enjoy reading this to Ben and that he loves it as much as I did. To Mom & Dad - I thought this was a great idea and will be quite at home in the Smith family library, right next to If They Mated, Deep Thoughts and the Bathroom Reader series. A copy of Fun with Phone Solicitors - 50 Ways to Get Even. If any book would fit in with my family it would have to be this one. Now, in addition to answering the phone as "The Ravenna Rod & Reel Club" or "Copley Meat Packing" you'll now have 50 fun ways to screw with telemarketers. I love you guys. So that concludes the Christmas 2005 Craft Project - a big thank you and congratulations to all you crafty crafters - your prizes are en route. Also a big thanks to all you blog readers, hopefully you we're entertained as much as I was doing this. Look for our next contest in March - another opportunity to get "creative." Until then, keep those Glue Guns hot...